One of my favourite topics that increases therapeutic growth is the development of healthy boundaries. In a nut shell boundaries are how you allow yourself to be treated. They can be described in terms of physical and emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries are your own personal space, inappropriate touching, even somebody picking up your phone and looking through it without permission. Emotional boundaries involve separating your own feelings from that of someone else, not allowing someone else’s feelings to dictate how you feel. Or sacrificing your own needs to please someone else. They involve not blaming others for your problems or accepting responsibility for their problems.
What you will tolerate and what you won’t.
Boundaries should be based on your values and what is important to you in your life, if spending quality time with your family is really important to you, then working late time and time again is something you may need to create a boundary around.
In healthy relationships keeping boundaries means taking into account each other’s feelings, showing respect to each other and respecting when somebody has a difference of opinion to you. Personal boundaries are really important because they help you set guidelines that you can create to establish how you allow others to behave around you. This may involve you thinking about what behaviour you consider acceptable around you and what behaviour you don’t. Setting boundaries in relationships helps you discover and prioritise your own well being. They help you decide which situations you are comfortable with and which you are not. In setting healthy boundaries you become able to make decisions for yourself with confidence and ease.
How do you set boundaries?
- Examine the boundaries in your life that already exist and identify what your own limits are
- Be assertive in your own needs and desires, setting your own boundaries in an assertive manner feels firm but kind and respecting of others. If you communicate your boundaries in a harsh way or angry way this can feel threatening or unkind
- Learn to say NO – without explanation, you may be asked to work overtime in your job and not wish to do this. It is okay to say no and prioritise your own time for other things
If you really struggle with boundary setting, you can get some help and support.
Remember:
- You have the right to say no to something, or someone, without feelings of guilt
- You have the right for people to treat you with care and respect
- You have the right to have needs, identify what they are and allow your own needs to be as important as someone else’s needs
- If you make mistakes, you have the right to be able to accept the mistake, forgive yourself and move on